Akatsuki Day Jobs
by SplashofColour
Summary: When the leader comes home saying how they're broke and don't have enough money to even up his secret stach of Snow Cream Ice Cream, what will the world's most feared organization do? T for a bit of language. Courtesy of Hidan
1. When Christmas Comes

It all started with two fated words that carried more weight for one of the members of the most Distinguished and Recognized criminal organizations in the world. This particular Distinguished and Recognized organization was made up of seven Distinguished and Recognized men and one Positively Evil woman. At this point in time, the seventh man, commonly known as The Leader, burst through the door and uttered those fateful words.

"We're broke!" He turned the wrath of his gaze upon the mini soap opera in the corner of the Super Secret Headquarters.

"Hang on, Kakazu," yelled a blonde man in a pink bathrobe while shaking a silver haired man that seemed to be having his soul sucked out.

Another man playing with play-doh in the corner looked up in surprise then teared up considerably. "What will I use for snack money?"

A long black haired man looked up from his book titled _700 Ways to Kill People with Spoons _and glared at the interfering Leader and psychotic comrades.

A man that looked strangely like a green plant looked up from the bottle of Weed Killer he was trying to pour down the sink before hurriedly sticking it back under the counter.

Another man sitting beside the presumed 'Spoon Killer' pushed up his reading glasses on his sharky face and serenely sat his book, _Loch Ness Unleashed_, down beside him.

And last but not least, the single blue haired woman in the corner guarding a cookie jar just glared indecisively at The Leader.

As you can now guess, if you haven't already, this Distinguished and Recognized organization is none other than the Akatsuki, masters of such slogans as '_Wreaking Havoc in Your Own Back Yard!_" and '_We Kill and Look Pretty Doing It!_". It was a sad day in the Super Secret Headquarters today as The Leader had went to the trusted and friendly BB&T Bank to withdraw an amount of $100,000 dollars to fix the water heater and repair other such oddities around the house that his irresponsible team had inflicted upon the Headquarters the last time he had left them alone to go grocery shopping.

The Leader swung his head around to face Hidan. "Where's the money," he roared.

"No money. . . No money. . . No money. . . "

The Leader turned away from Kakazu's incoherent mutterings to see the rest of his team looking somewhat guilty and utterly innocent at once minus Kakazu's mutterings and strange chants. Then he noticed a very shiny, very bright, and very incriminating red ribbon coming from the hallway. He began to walk straight to the hallway until his way was blocked by a stuttering Tobi.

"N- No, Leader Sir! You can't go back there!"

The Leader leaned closer and eyed the little man. "And why. . . can't I go back there?"

Tobi's single visible eye began to water as tears threatened. "You won't hurt me will you?"

The Leader leaned back and sighed. "No, I won't hurt you. After all, it's always been my dream to raise a bunch of mindless killers that would throw kunai at water heaters, sew hearts on my super awesome water bed, put clay bombs in my underwear drawer as 'surprises', eat the numerous goldfish I _used to _possess, turn my priceless stolen possessions into flowerpots, and, after all that, spend all my money so that we can live off fifteen cent ramen noodles for the rest of our lives."

Tobi clasped his hands together and kicked one foot high in the air in a joyous jump. "I knew you would like the hearts, Leader-sama!"

The Leader rolled his eyes. "Tobi. . ," he said dangerously.

"Merry Christmas, Leader-sama," cried Tobi as he jumped for a hug but caught only air as The Leader brushed past him.

Pein was astounded as he burst into what used to be their dining room. A huge tree decorated with popcorn and paper chains stood in the middle of the room. Gifts of every shape, size, and color crowded around the base of the tree. Pein's eyes widened.

As baby ducks follow their mother, the whole of the Akatsuki made their way to see what had taken their Leader's breath away. Needless to say, the rest of the Akatsuki was almost as speechless.

Tobi broke the silence. "Do you like it, Leader-sama," he asked while worriedly rubbing his hands together.

"We kill you," said Zetsu while shooting a glare at Tobi.

Tobi let out a scream that did not befit a Super Secret Criminal Organization in any way and presumed to hide behind the large tree.

"Wait," whispered Pein as he stuck a hand out.

"He has disgraced an honorable plant! How dare he treat my brethren so!"

"Shut up," snapped Pein tossing a chilling glare toward Zetsu which immediately withered him into silence. "There's still time. We can take all of this stuff back and return it."

"Nope," chirped an oddly happy Tobi. "I removed all the tags and threw away the reciepts! It's only polite!"

The flicker of hope died in Kakazu's eyes. "I will kill you," he yelled and jumped on the Christmas tree in pursuit of the Abomination.

The rest of the happy family scrambled for cover as the huge tree that Tobi would claim was 'the biggest and most beautiful tree in the whole wide world' began to topple on the family of Mass Murderers that screamed, sauntered, and crawled away from the falling tree that they had to agree was definitely very big if not the biggest.

"AHHHHHH!" sqealed Tobi as Kakazu caught his ankle and squeezed.

"You. . . Will. . . DIE!!!!" Kakazu's bloodshot eyes left no doubt in Tobi's presumably small brain that his end was quite near.

Zetsu hugged the tree with tears rolling down his face and cried, "I will avenge you, Brother!" He turned his gaze on Tobi and glared for all he was worth.

Hidan's silver head popped up. "Oh yeah! A fight! Let me in on the action!" He slid a bear trap out of his cloak and smiled savagely.

Tobi's eyes widened and he decided that if his doom had been decided earlier it was now guaranteed. "Hidan-san. . . Uh. . . Don't you want your presents?" Tobi's eyes pleaded with him. "It's much better than a bear trap!"

Hidan looked from his questionable weapon back to Tobi's pleading face and decided that an ill and oddly acquired bear trap is actually not an ideal weapon. "Stop, guys and let's see what this freak bought for us." Tobi's eyes lit up until Hidan threw him an evil glare once more. "And if it's pantyhose again, I'm murdering your ass."

Tobi shrunk back in fear and nodded before bouncing back to his happy and lovable self. "Let's open gifts, everyone!"

He began to hand out gifts wrapped in Strawberry Shortcake themed Christmas paper until each member had a stack of gifts that was nearly as tall as him or her.

"Ugh! What kinda pansy wraps stuff in Strawberry Shortcake?" Hidan glanced over at Tobi happily making daisy chains and singing a catchy tune. "Never mind. I don't wanna know."

"Tobi!" An angry Diedara marched over with his hands on his hips. "How dare you give me this!" He thrust out a pearly white dress dripping in pearls and sparkling diamonds that radiated wealth and brilliance.

"Wow," sighed Kakazu eyes sparkling. "It looks so expensive. . . Diedara, I'll take it if you don't want it. I can only dream of the amount of digits it would sell for on Ebay!"

Diedara yanked the dress back. "Now that you mention it. . . It has a sort of artistic beauty to it." A mutual round of rolling eyes graced him. "What?! I'll use it as a. . . reference!"

"Diedara, you're blushing," deadpanned Itachi.

"Shut up, Freak! I bet what you got was much worse!"

Itachi's eyebrow twitched in annoyance.

"Whatever," mumbled Diedara. "I'll just go sulk in my room if anyone wants to find me."

Itachi watched him scuttle off to his door that had numerous clippings of famous art pieces centered around a large cutout of the _Mona Lisa_.

"What did you get, Itachi," asked a voice from above.

Itachi looked to see Kisame happily munching potato chips wearing new _Jaws_ and _A Shark Tale _gear. Itachi returned his gaze to the partly opened gift. "It appears as if I have recieved a computer game titled _The Sims 3_." He looked up at Tobi. "Why did you find this fitting to my person?"

"Well," said Tobi placing a finger to his cheek. "I put myself in your shoes of course! I said to myself: If I was a mindlesss psycopathic killer that hated human contact and despised all things cute and cuddly, what would I want? And then it came to me! A fun game where I could control the lives of people and set their doom before them!"

Itachi looked at the game with new found interest. "Nice. . . " An evil smile split his face.

Hidan let out a stream of good natured cussing as he hauled his new gift over to the groups to show it off. "Look," he proclaimed holding up a large wooden staff that was nearly a good three inches thick. On the top, a sculpted hand grasped a milky globe that flashed different colors. Along the wooden part, a vine with thorns and small goblins clinging to it was burnt along the sides that twisted and turned.

"Wow. . . Hidan, why is it so wonderful," asked Kisame at a total loss as he popped another _Nemo_ gummy into his mouth.

A look that befit the goblins more than a human being graced Hidan's face. "It's got an evil and holy aura surrounding it. . ." He hunched over it and rubbed the wood laughing menacingly, then he smiled as if the best news in the world had just come to him. "It's also weighted perfectly to bash people's heads in!"

The group watched Hidan scuttle off to his room. His door had mysterious red patches on it that nobody had dared ask what they were for fear of the truth.

"Holy crap," said a petrefied Kisame. "That was dang scary! I hope he never actually uses that. I'll wet my pants for sure!"

"TMI, Kisame. TMI." Itachi covered his face exasperatedly.

Kakazu shivered, whether from Kisame's sudden revelation or Hidan's previous action, we will never know. "Uh. . . What did you get, Zetsu?"

Zetsu blankly held up a jumbo jug of _Miracle Grow_. "I feel I'm being stereotyped," he muttered darkly.

Kakazu patted him on the back in a consoling manner. "I feel like I'm being underestimated." He held up his gift, a book titled _Making Money for Dummies_. "As if I don't know how to make money! Or are ever even broke!"

They looked over to see Tobi toting a large vase out the back door.

"What's that for," inquired Kisame curiously but also with a little dread.

Tobi smiled happily. "It's a new urn for Sasori-sama! He was always such a good boy. . ." He teared up and began to bawl.

"Kisame!" shouted a majorly ticked off Diedara. "Shut up that wierdo in there! I'm trying to. . . paint!"

Itachi raised his eyebrows. "Am I the only one who finds that statement somewhat. . . decietful?"

"No," answered the other Mad Killers glumly- exclucing Tobi who was crying his eyes out.

"Kakazu, go help Tobi tote that thing out to Sasori's cave." He rubbed his eyes tiredly.

"What?! I'm not going to that pansy's cave full of dolls and his _Jim Henson _collection!" He shuddered.

"Well, it was your bright idea to dump it all out there," pointed out Kisame.

"Do you know how much that would cost to take to the dump?! Two whole dollars!! We don't have that kind of money!"

A collected sigh greeted his response.

"Besides, Zetsu is perfect for the job!" He threw an arm around Zetsu's shoulders. "I'd bet you'd want to confer with your little tree friends about the terrible holiday of Christmas anyway, right?" Kakazu tried to produce an award winning smile but completely failed as his smile looked quite creepy.

"I'll eat him," said Zetsu darkly. "If you make me go to that cave, I'll eat him."

Kakazu backed up and began to wander off with Tobi to the cave muttering such things as how he wouldn't ever pay the bills again and therefore confining his teammates to very dull existences.

"Well," sighed Kisame. "At least that's finished! Now what?"

"I'm going to water my daisies," said Zetsu. "And if Tobi has picked another one for a daisy chain, I promise that I will replace the 'Friendly Daisy Box' with the 'Man Eating Daisy Box'."

". . .Okay," replied an unsure Kisame. "Itachi?"

"I'm going to wreck lives on your laptop," he replied staring at the cover of the now intriguing computer game.

"Don't you think you should ask before doing that?"

Itachi glared at Kisame a moment before Kisame sighed. "Fine, but you are not erasing my _Finding Nemo _music videos for that thing."

Kisame looked around him at the mass of wrapping paper and fallen tree limbs till he noticed two people still in the rooom. Pein and Konan were staring blankly at their gifts with little enthusiasm present in their faces. Kisame wandered up beside Konan to stare over her shoulder. She was holding a book with many very scrumptuous and positively reeking with sugar items.

"_The Best Dinner Sugestions Possible_," he read slowly.

Konan looked up at him darkly. "Kisame, do I seem like your maid?"

"No," he responded blankly thinking of all the times he had been beaten when he had asked her to clean up her mess or put the dishes away.

"Then why was I bought a cook book, pots, pans, and a chocolate fountain for Christmas?"

Kisame pondered this for a moment. "Don't you like the chocolate fountain?"

"Yes, but answer my question."

"Your the best cook in the entire household," he responded matter of factly.

She smiled sweetly. "I always knew there was a reason I liked you." Her face darkened once more. "But that doesn't mean you get my chocolate fountain."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

"Good boy."

Kisame wandered over to Pein only to be greeted by a question.

"What kind of idiot," he began, "gives a gift card to Chili's with $200,000 on it as a Christmas present?"

Kisame's eyes bulged out of his head, and he grabbed for the card. "Let me see that!" True enough, the card was to Chili's and had the exact sum of $200,000 on it. His mouth began to water as his brain was assaulted with images of steak, mashed potatoes, and chicken. "At least it's a change from Diedara's _flavored_ miso and Itachi's 'just imagine you're eating something because I don't cook' food!" Kisame's voice came out more in praise of Tobi's foresight than anything else.

Pein turned to find tears flowing down Kisame's blue cheeks into his gills. "Don't cry. You'll choke on it."

"I know. I know," replied Kisame wiping his eyes. "It's just it was Kakazu's turn to cook tomorrow night."

Pein briefly remembered the last dinner Kakazu had concocted. He had merely slapped some grass from the yard on everyone's plates and claimed it to be a free salad. "We're using that tomorrow night," he affirmed.

With a very furious nod, Kisame agreed wholeheartedly. He had never been so glad to eat out in his life. "What now," he asked Pein.

"Well," said Pein standing up and staring in awe at his gift card. "Tomorrow we're all going job hunting."

"Assasinations? Mugging? Burglary?" Kisame had previously engaged in all these activities apparently.

"No," sighed Pein. "We're going to do the most daring thing a criminal organization can ever do."

"What," asked Kisame.

"We're going to lose our pride and dignity as Mass Murderers. We're going to get jobs. Real _jobs_."

Kisame wrinkled his nose at this terrible news. "But we're the Akatsuki! The most feared organization in all the world! Murdering is a much better way of living! Heck! We could always auction off Zetsu's wierd creations out in the greenhouse as drugs in some backwoods alley! At least that would be more along our lines."

Pein glared dangerously at him. "And if you get caught. . ."

"We'll tear whoever caught us to shreds."

"If they defeat you. . ."

"Then you'll pay the fine and we'll. . . Oh. Yeah." Kisame suddenly felt embarassed at his own stupidity.

Pein patted Kisame on the shoulder. "Get some sleep. You'll need it."

Kisame watched Pein wander off into his door that had a very prominent sign on it stating _Death to Whoever Enters! _on it. Kisame sighed and walked over to his and Itachi's shared room. Itachi was intently putting many lives in danger on his laptop.

"Hey, Itachi," Kisame said. "We have to get jobs tomorrow and do all sorts of work so. . . uh. . . get to bed soon, ok?"

Itachi's eyes never left the screen as he replied. "Later, Kisame. Sasuke is about to marry Sakura."

"WHAT!?"

Itachi swiveled his chair around to face Kisame. "Really, Kisame! It's just a game!"

"Why are Sasuke and Sakura on it?"

Itachi didn't smile but a hint of one was tugging at his lips.

"I made us too. Look. There are you, Kisame."

Kisame peered at the screen seeing a blue alien-like man cleaning the toilet and wearing a very distinct black and white outfit. "Am I. . . the maid?"

"Correction," said Itachi raising up a finger. "You are MY maid. In fact, I have made you all my slaves except for Pein and Konan, who have moved out to start a life of their own."

Kisame shivered unsure whether he should watch further. "Well, you enjoy that, but don't forget to go to sleep, eventually." He glanced on the screen to what appeared to be Diedara in a pink frilly mini skirt and tank top walking by the front door. He shuddered before turning away and silently vowing never to watch Itachi ruin lives on a laptop again.

--

Well, that's my first chapter! ^^ Please review and give me opinions. I love reviewers, and I want to know what everyone found humorous or very non-humorous in this cuz this is a comedy after all! LOL But anyway, if you enjoyed review!

Merry Christmas!


	2. The Price of Bear Traps and Shampoo

Okay! Well, laugh, enjoy, and review for more! I've decided not to post until I get at least five reviews. ^^ I love your feedback and really want to know if you enjoyed it. Also, tell me how you feel about Itachi as one of the female persuasion. (Translation: Would you like to see Itachi as a woman? Or, more specifically, see him tortured as a woman? LOL)

--

"Okay!" Pein said slamming his fist on the table. "I have reviewed the _Daily Konoha Times _and the _Suna Post _along with various websites detailing ways to make money fast."

"How," asked Deidara as he spread his arms to encompass the family of Killers conferring by candlelight at the dining room table that had been moved into the living room. "If you haven't noticed, our power is. . . How can I put this? Out, maybe."

Tobi's eyes began watering. "I'm missing the Teletubbies!"

Hidan's lip curled back involuntarily at the very odd and very strange Mass Murderer. "Who cares about your pansy assed shows?! Besides, this whole thing is your fault! If you hadn't bought Deidara that sugary colored pearly disgusting dress, we wouldn't be in this mess!"

"Hey," shouted Deidara slamming his hand on the table. "I wouldn't be talking! You know how much that creepy staff of yours probably cost?! I could probably get over $10,000 for it on Ebay then I wouldn't have to watch you carry it around like some kind of mutant child!"

"Ah," sighed Kakazu with a blush and a girly smile. "Ebay. . ."

The table fell silent as they watched the rather odd and certainly disturbed ninja express his love for an auction site.

Pein cleared his throat. "Um. . . So, we all need jobs. Any suggestions?"

Hidan's hand shot up in the air. "It's my turn to go mugging!"

A cruel smile split Zetsu's face. "I'll assasinate people with Christmas trees and hanging plants."

". . . Why the hanging plants," asked Kisame in a skeptical voice.

"Duh," Zetsu spread his hands. "All plants are naturally afraid of heights - otherwise why would they have roots? - but nooooo! People just don't think of that! No one ever thinks about how the plant feels! Did you ever think that maybe that plant is getting the crap scared out of it because it's hanging there? Or maybe _that's_ why it died? Not because you don't have a freakin' green thumb?"

Silence greeted his question until a cheerful Tobi piped up. "Does that mean daisies don't like being sat in the drainpipe?"

Zetsu's gaze turned frosty. "So you're the one that has been putting my daisies on the roof!!! Do you know that Kisame makes me clean out_ all _the drainpipes when that happens?!"

Tobi proceeded to hid under the table with squeaks of 'Don't hurt me!' and 'They needed sunlight!'.

"Zetsu," sighed Itachi with an apparent threat underlying the word for Itachi had, after all, stayed up all night playing_ The Sims 3 _and now silently vowed to buy many hanging plants for his replica of the Super Secret Headquarters.

Zetsu glared at Itachi but sat down and shut up.

Pein quickly closed his mouth that had been hanging open in surprise at Zetsu's outburst. "Honestly," he muttered. "Why am I even surprised at all?" He raised his voice to encompass the whole table of Ruthless Killers. "We can't do anything illegal because. . . Now listen closely, because I guarantee you'll be asking me the same question later. We don't have enough money to pay jail fines or bribes. Now, who has job suggestions?"

Deidara looked up from painting his nails. "Why can't we do illegal stuff?"

Hidan slapped him across the face. "Listen when the Leader talks, you turd!"

"Hidan," sighed Kisame with a shake of his head. "Remember the 562nd Ammendment to the _Akatsuki Rule Book_?"

"Yes," muttered Hidan.

"What do you have to do as punishment?"

"Sorry, Deidara," chanted a sullen Hidan.

"You should hug people when you tell them 'sorry'," pointed out Tobi.

"I'm not hugging that pansy," growled Hidan.

"Good," replied Deidara. "It's not like I would want to hug priest in love with a stupid hunk of wood anyway."

Hidan jumped up and grabbed his staff.

"Sit down," hissed Itachi.

"He insulted Earlene! I'll make him pay!" Hidan began to wield his staff like a baseball bat and eye Deidara's head in a pecular way.

"You _named_ it?!" asked Kisame increduously.

"Forget that," said Kakazu. "What kind of name is _Earlene_? If you're gonna name something, shouldn't you pick something that won't get it beaten up?"

"You seem to forget we're talking about a stick," pointed out Itachi.

"SIT DOWN!" yelled Pein.

"Not until he pays," screamed a crazed Hidan.

"I think it's a lovely name," smiled Tobi happily.

Hidan lowered his staff. "Perhaps it is a crappy name. . . "

"Okay, if you'll quit messing around and sit down, we'll get on with business." Pein pointedly looked at Hidan. "I'll give you your punishment later."

A string of highly animated curses streamed from Hidan's mouth.

"Ammendment 35," muttered Kisame under his breath. Hidan's curses came to an abrupt halt.

"As I said before, do we have any suggestions?"

The group turned in unison to Kakazu.

"WHAT?! Stop looking at me!" Kakazu shrunk back in his chair to escape their expectant gazes.

"You're supposed to be the money expert," pointed out Konan with an irritated expression. Apparently, she really wanted to rob that bank in the clown suit again, but illegal is illegal.

"Heck, I only save money," said Kakazu defensively.

Deidara raised his hand. "Why don't we just raid Kakazu's stash?"

"WHAT?! No! No! My stash not yours," cried a frantic Kakazu.

Pein looked at Kakazu for a moment before deciding for himself and the universal good of the Akatsuki, if not the world, that a trade would be required. "If we don't raid your stash, which is probably depleted drastically because of the stock market dropping when I told you it would and you didn't listen, will you promise to never feed us grass again?"

"No earthworms either," piped up Deidara.

"Or little happy frolicing woodland creatures," added Tobi.

"And please up your cooking skills past all of those," said Konan. "If you kill quote 'frolicing woodland creatures', it is customary to take the skin off and proceed from there to actually cook it."

"I was saving money on the gas bill," defended Kakazu looking a bit sheepish.

"Then go make yourself a nice little fire outside the house." Konan noticed Kakazu perk up. "Without burning the house or the nearby forest down," she added watching him wilt with a smug smile.

"Come on, Kakazu," said an irritated Pein. "Your stash or a bit of work on your night of cooking. Which will we take?"

"When you all go broke from paying the bills, you'll wish you had not made me _cook_." Kakazu uttered the word as if it defiled his mouth.

"You seem to forget we're already in that particular situation," pointed out Pein.

Kakazu slapped a book on the table and huffed, "If I'm gonna have to cook, it will be the most perfect and wonderful food you have ever eaten, so let's get down to business, so I can buy some groceries."

"_Making Money for Dummies_," Pein read then looked up skepically. "Do you actually use this?"

"No," said Kakazu rolling his eyes. "It was a gift from Genius over there. Must've had a spark of intuition when he was spending all of our money."

Tobi, apparently not knowing of the finely crafted and readily used sarcasm residing in the human mind, beamed happily. "Glad I could be of use," he chimed.

A mutual rolling of the eyes commenced before they began to delve into the secrets of the now proclaimed _Akatsuki Guidelines for Troubled Times_.

--

"Okay!" Kisame clapped his hands together and addressed the motley crew of annoyed and perturbed killers. "It's time to clean out the garage! Remember! If you don't work, you don't eat!" Mutual groans sounded out around the clearing.

"Are you sure a yard sale is the best way to make money," asked Deidara whilst poking a questionable fluffy object.

"According to _Making Money for Dummies_, if you don't want to get a job, you should have a yard sale and sale all your junk that you don't want."

"My torture devices are not 'junk'," said Hidan placing his hands on his hips.

"And," pointed out Itachi, "We can't have a yard sale here at Headquarters. It's supposed to be a_ Secret _Base."

"Ah, good point, Itachi," said Kisame with a thoughtful face. "Zetsu, go round up some customers. Make sure you blindfold them before you bring them here!"

Zetsu began to shuffle off, but a crazed Deidara stopped.

"No! Wait, Zetsu," he huffed. "You have to wear this!" He held up a cherry colored sign stating in bright green bubble letters that the supposed 'Senior Citizen Center' was having a yard sale. Deidara tied on the sign with a bit of yarn and smiled. "There! It is perfect and beautiful in all ways!" His grin widened. "It contrasts so well with your skin tones that I might have to blow you up with it!"

Needless to say, this did not sit too well with the green man. Zetsu began to scuttle off very hurriedly into the woods.

"Would a customer actually agree to be blindfolded by a seven foot tall sprig of brocolli in order to go to a yard sale," deadpanned Itachi.

"Crap!" cried Kakazu as realization broke. "You forgot to tell him not to eat the customers! He'll end up bringing them back in tiny peices to feed his wierd creations!"

Kisame paled. Nobody in the Akatsuki wanted to venture into Zetsu's greenhouse for fear of Carl, otherwise known as Kudjo. Zetsu had created the phsychotic tomato plant for the sole purpose of guarding his greenhouse and frequently brought home mysterious bags of. . . 'stuff' to feed it. "Carl. . ."

Konan rolled her eyes obviously unconcerned with Zetsu's taste in pets. "I'm working the cash register," she said.

"That's not fair!" spewed Deidara. "You shouldn't get it just because you're a woman!"

Konan glared at him. "Who wants to know about the time Deidara got caught down by the pond by the ANBU police?"

Numerous hands shot up, and a petrified Deidara squealed, "Fine! Take the register, you darn Blackmailer!"

Konan smiled. "Don't mind if I do."

Kisame turned around to stare at the remaining Akatsuki members with a look of impatience. He knew there was a reason that Pein always left him in charge of the motley Fools when he went on outings such as today. Pein had left to cancel all the unneeded bills such as Deidara's cell phone and the Dish cable putting Kisame in charge once more.

Kisame clapped his hands together. "Okay! Let's unearth everything from the recesses of the garage then we'll worry about making everything presentable!"

After hours of squabbling and work, the Akatsuki had retrieved many items such as fireworks, smoke bombs, torture devices, bear traps, cans of unknown substances, gasoline, a teddy bear Itachi affectionately reffered to as Mr. Snuggles, a stuffed shark, pickle jars filled with pennies, and a Votswagon Beetle. Kisame deemed all of these items saleable and proceeded to enforce the 'make everything presentable' part of his instructions. Eventually a disgruntled and very P. Akatsuki stood behind the tables strewn with many objects that are better left alone if you're a normal person.

"Do I really have to sale Barbie and Ken separately," asked Tobi with tears in his eyes. "They'll be so lonely without each other. . ."

Kisame sighed exasperatedly. "Yes. Barbie hates Ken and wants to leave him."

Tobi's tears began to overflow as he squeaked, "She does? Poor Ken. . ."

"No, Ken wants to go on an adventure to find. . ," Kisame seemed stumped as to what a half chewed bald doll would want to find.

"Hair," supplied Deidara.

"A friggin' life," intoned Hidan.

"Cookies," said Konan matter-of-factly.

The group then glanced at each other and responded in unison, "Cookies."

"Exactly! Ken wants cookies, and Barbie won't let him have any," said Kisame obviously pleased with his newfound knowledge into the minds of male dolls.

"Ah!" Tobi was apparently pleased with Kisame's story. "Sasori-sama would be so happy for his dollies!"

The group was interrupted by a scuffling sound coming from the woods along with happy and joyful laughter. It was a surprise to all when Zetsu came out of the forest leading a couple of very green men, but no surprise at all that his sign was covered with red splotches. Zetsu carefully undid the blindfolds, so the men could see the group of people before them that were twitching in numerous ways.

"How could someone be so insensitive to fashion as to wear _that_ thing," hissed Deidara under his breath.

"Live customers," muttered Kakazu. "I can't believe it!"

Kisame turned his gaze away from the green spandex wearing men in matching bowl cuts to survey his cleverly disguiesed crew. Konan was pulling off her sexy backwoods hillbilly look complete with pig tailed blue curls. Deidara happened to be pulling off the forced role of 'housewife to the normal farmer' pretty well. Kakazu was trying to act like the normal farmer which meant inspecting 'the seven foot tall brocolli sprig'. Hidan had his hair down in his face while wearing huge glasses that seemed to reflect light no matter which way he turned. Tobi was dressed in his 'Happy-Greeting-Love Suit' which consisted of a fuzzy bathrobe and bunny slippers. Itachi was probably the most dangerous looking of all of them at this moment. He had donned a leather jacket with a skull on the back, tight fitting black jeans, and a blood red bandanna. Kisame himself was trying his best to look entirely like the loan shark his father had always wanted him to be. All in all, he was pleased with the Akatsuki's transformation and adept abilities at hiding their logo.

"What a young and youthful bunch we have here," shouted Might Gai into Itachi's bland face. When he recieved no response but a glare that truly stated "Touch me and die", Gai proceeded to give Itachi a hug in the name of youthful vigor.

Itachi is not one to take threats lightly, even unvoiced ones, so he expected his enemies, no matter how big or small, to respect and understand that, therefore leaving him no choice but to punch the green man unconcious.

"Itachi," screeched Deidara in a low tone. "Look what you did! Now we have to hide another body! Remember all the trouble we got in the last time you lost your temper like that?!"

Itachi glared at Deidara in a way that reminded Deidara all too well that he had been the one plastered to the wall the last time Itachi's temper had been set off. When Pein had finally found Deidara crawling through the hallway from the basement where Itachi had ordered him to stay, all heck had broken loose, but most of it had broken on Itachi's head. It had also been the last time Deidara had stolen Itachi's personal plate of chocolate chip cookies.

Deidara proceeded to kick the body under the table until Might Gai was hidden from view quite satisfactorily. "There! Now let's hope the other member of Fashionably Challenged-R-Us doesn't notice," he intoned jerking a thumb at the said member.

Rock Lee, for that was his name, did not notice as he was too busy exclaiming to Tobi the joys of being youthful and vigorous. The Akatsuki remained calm and somewhat tense for a few hours while watching the ninjas confer back and forth about varoius things until realization dawned that getting the spandexed man to buy something bridged on the edge of impossible.

"Good going, Itachi," muttered Kakazu as he was thoroughly done with his examination of Zetsu. "You just killed our only customer."

"He's not dead," pointed out Itachi in an unconcerned voice.

Konan blew a bubble and flipped through an old magazine titled _Tips and Trends for the Fashionably Oppressed_. "If you hadn't knocked him out, we might have sold something. Perhaps a bear trap or this particular magazine." She looked up thoughtfully. "He really needs this magazine. Maybe I'll drop it by next time I'm in Konoha. . ."

"What makes you think the poor sap is even gonna make it back to Konoha," asked a sadened Hidan while staring at his forlorn bear traps.

"I wonder," sighed Konan as she stood up and tosed her magazine on her previous seat.

She wandered over to where Deidara had unceremoniously stuffed Might Gai and proceeded to kick his body out on the other side of the table. When this job was done, she walked all her mini-skirt clad self over to where Rock Lee was talking in an animated voice to Tobi.

"Oh dear," she simpered in an adorable an utterly irresistable pout. "Sir, it seems your friend has fallen and knocked himself unconcious." She gave Rock Lee her best puppy eyes and let a little blood flow into her cheeks.

Kisame's heart, along with the rest of the Akatsuki's excluding Tobi and Kakazu, began to speed up at the sheer cuteness of their sole female teammate.

"Dang!" whistled Hidan. "I wish she'd have looked like that the last time she gave me my medicine!" He temporarily recalled his recent bout with the flu and the way Konan had stuffed what felt like her entire hand down his throat to force him to swallow instead of offering a glass of water like a normal human being.

Deidara patted his shoulder. "I know what you mean, man."

Itachi wrinkled his nose in disgust at the simpering demeanor of his former comrade but found it somewhat endearing that she could be so devious.

Rock Lee seemed to feel what some of the Akatsuki were feeling and immediately became a chivalrous gentleman. "Well, then in the name of youthful strength, I will carry him back to our hometown!"

Without further ado, the green clad man picked up his fallen comrade and rushed off through the forest back to Konoha.

Konan turned back to face the Akatsuki. "And that, Gentlemen, is how you get things done." She clenched a newspaper in her fist and a cruel smile split her face. "And if you have any presumptions that I would use _charm _on any of you to get you to do something, you are sorely mistaken. When not hiding my identity, I will personally beat the crap out of all of you."

Many vigorous nods greeted this revelation.

"I'm glad you understand." With a blissful smile upon her face, she walked back over to her chair and sat down to resume her catalog browsing and gum chewing.

"Kisame?" Deidara looked somewhat confused and scared. "Won't letting the green freak go home alone without his blindfold cause a bit of trouble?"

The group looked at Konan with a half fearful and half critisizing stare.

"You should've sent someone after him," she responded without looking up from her catalog.

Kisame sighed as he came to understand that he would get no help from the blue haired kunochi. "Umm. . . Who would like to chase down our eco-friendly customers?"

Zetsu raised his hand. "Me! They like plants and insist on a clean enviroment full of youth!"

". . . Would anyone _else_ like to chase down our customers?" Kisame silently feared the Brocolli Sprig would be converted by the loud and raucous freaks.

Itachi's eyes swept around the clearing. "Too late. We've got more company."

Out of treetops dropped several very distinguished and recognizable ANBU teams. The said teams began to advance in unison on the Yard Sale, and it's very non-respectable workers.

"Woah," whispered Hidan. "Check out that blonde over there! Hot, or what?"

Deidara followed the finger and indeed did see a slender blonde womanly figure standing on the far edge of the clearing. "That hairstyle is sooo copyrighted," he growled. "How dare she do that?!"

A decidely older man with white spiky hair that Deidara might describe as artistic but terribly porportioned stepped up. He trailed his single visible eye lazily over the group of killers and asked in a bored voice, "Who's the leader of this. . . " He glanced at the sign that Zetsu had thrown into the bushes half hazardly as he had ducked behind the table. "Senior Citizen Yard Sale?"

Kisame straightened his tie and mentally prepared himself for the lies he was about to tell to the visiting ANBU squad leader. He raised his hand and smiled a greeting. "I am in charge around these parts!"

The squad leader looked very bored indeed as he stared at the sweating and apparently devious loan shark. "Ah. I see."

Kisame was taken aback for a moment. "You do?"

"Yes," replied Kakashi as he ran his eyes over the contents of the yard sale. "You have a fine crisis center going on here."

"Kakashi," said the tall blonde eyeing Tobi having an animated conversation with Ken, "I don't think we're going to find the Akatsuki here. I mean, what kind of respectable criminal organization has yard sales and deals in bear traps?"

Itachi, being the wonderfully sane and practical ninja he is, noticed the signs of Hidan's impending rampage before Hidan even did as he was too preocupied in coming up with many reasons bear traps happened to be respectable items of great value, so Itachi did what was necessary. He punched him in the face until he as well was unconcious.

"Dear Lord!" hissed Deidara. "Are we gonna have to start you a body pile?"

A man with long and impecably beautiful and perfect brown hair stepped forward and whispered something into his squad leader's ear. Kakashi rolled his eyes and muttered something along the lines of 'Don't be ridiculous, Neji. These freaks aren't threatening at all.'

Kakashi began to promptly lay on the ground and read _Icha Icha Paradise _with a bit more intrigued expression on his face.

"What are you doing?!" hissed Neji loud enough for the entire clearing to make out.

Kakashi looked up at the ninja with an expression that clearly read 'You're annoying'. "Well," he explained tiredly, "we barged into these. . . good folks yard sale, so we might as well shop a bit." He pushed a few yen into Neji's hands and waved him off before returning to his book.

Neji clenched his fist around the money dangerously. "I can't believe him," he muttered almost to himself. "Ino?"

Ino shrugged and began to walk over to the tables to browse through the randomly placed items. Her eyes alighted on a bottle of bright blue shampoo that had _Silky and Beautiful _scrawled across the bottle.

"Hey," she said pointedly to the blue haired gum chewing Konan.

Konan looked up with much the same expression as Kakashi until she noticed Ino was holding her own signature shampoo. "Yeah?"

"How much is this?"

Konan seemed to consider the question briefly before responding with the typical Konan price range. "$10,000 with tax."

Ino's eyes narrowed angrily until presumed realization dawned. "You almost had me fooled there for a second!"

Konan looked down the row of men and noted how the only other customer that was actually near the tables was having a staring contest with Itachi who was using the unconcious Hidan as a foot rest. The thought rolled across her mind that this single bottle of shampoo would probably be the only thing that they sold the entire day. "I'll give it to you for a dollar." It wasn't like her teammates needed the money anyway.

Ino laughed and passed her a $5 bill. "Keep the change. What brand is this?"

Konan went back to her magazine and replied without looking up, "My own personal blend. Real good stuff."

Ino looked at the woman's pig tails and noticed that they were indeed silky and dandruff free. "Yep," she agreed.

Kakashi glanced at the strange orange man kneeling beside him and staring curiously. He could almost swear that swirly orange mask was familiar. He briefly entertained the thought that this man could be a ruthless killer.

Tobi noticed Kakashi's stare and immediately offered him a daisy chain.

"Nope," sighed Kakashi as he turned back to his book. "Must be the wrong guy."

Neji stared at the obsidian black and dark hell-ish eyes of the overgrown skinny jeaned biker and wondered why in the world he was stuck behind a table at a Senior Citizen Center saling smoke bombs painted with cherry blossoms? Was he some sort of art nut gone wierd? This all seemed a bit suspicious to him. . .

Kisame edged over to Kakashi and pointed to _Icha Icha Paradise_. "Uh. . . What volume is that," he questioned.

"Five," answered Kakashi with a smile because _Icha Icha Paradise _was one of his favorite things in the world.

"Ohmygosh!!!!" Kisame fairly stopped all sound in the clearing with his cry of anguish. "I _have_ to go to _Books-A-Million_!!! The new volume is already out?!"

Neji had finally come to a conclusion. "You have problems," he told the bland and blank faced Itachi. He nudged a card across the table that he drew from a pocket. "Call them. They can help. They helped me a lot that one time my cousin told me she was a werewolf. I didn't sleep for weeks until I called them. They told me my mother was a vampire. I swear I fainted right on the spot. I now know that the biggest problems are closer to home."

Itachi couldn't help the slight twitching of the eyebrow.

"I know, man," said Neji gently. "You're dad was Frankenstein, too. It's okay. Let it out."

"Neji," yelled Ino. "Quit telling the innocent man about your family problems! All of Konoha already fears your family enough!" She put a hand to her head in exasperation. Neji had come up with the bright idea last week that telling the future shinobi (translation: pre-schoolers) that his family consisted of demonic beings to scare them into submission. Needless to say, small children waited on him hand and foot for fear of being eaten at night.

Neji winked at Itachi, who didn't enjoy the gesture of friendship at all, before wandering off with Ino to drag Kakashi away from him and Kisame's fangirl-ish squeals.

Deidara picked up the card and read aloud. "_Psychic Evaluation Hotline: Determine if You're Sane Enough_."

Deidara couldn't stifle the laugh that began to escape his mouth, but then again, neither could Kisame or Kakazu as they considered Itachi a rare psychotic and malfunctioned humaniod critter.

Itachi raised an eyebrow and began to activate his sharingan. It was then Pein entered the clearing carrying a Pepsi can that he tossed into the trashcan.

"Who wants to go to Chili's," he called happily.

--

First of all, if you walk into Chili's and see mysteriously dark clad men eating in the farthest booth away from the sun, they are not vampires. It is quite likely that they are Akatsuki, but if they have snazzy sayings such as 'Cereal Killer' and 'These are NOT my Friends' on their variously styled shirts, they are most certainly the Akatsuki, and if you saw them all fall out of a yellow Voltswagon Beetle after arriving, they are the Akatsuki. Call the ANBU right away unless you have a thing for dangerous and hot.

Pein sipped his strawberry daquiri and sighed in exultation. The wonderful sugary and alcoholic high he was getting made him so very happy.

"Well," he said after a particularly long sip. "How much money did we make today? I bet we got at least $10,000 for Konan's shampoo stuff and around $500 for Hidan's bear traps." Silence greeted him. "What?"

"Damn shampoo crap isn't better than my bear traps," sulked Hidan.

"Oh, shut up," said an irritated Konan.

"What happened," asked Pein in a voice that clearly suggested he didn't actually want to know.

"We earned the approximate sum of $1.10 due to Konan's foresight to charge tax," deadpanned Itachi as he sucked the last bit of lemonade from his glass. Itachi eyed the seven lemon slices in his glass evily as if he had expected much more sour-ness out of them and was quite disappionted. He looked back up at Pein. "It was the shampoo."

"I personally think that we should start a shampoo business," said Deidara cheerfully. "Konan could mix it. Zetsu could do some wierd crap on it, and Hidan could beat the employees into submission!"

"That's a terrible idea," said a dejected Hidan as he wasn't taking the hate toward his bear traps too well.

"Aw," said Tobi sadly. "Does someone need a hug?"

". . . Yeah. I need a hug." Hidan then surprised the entire world by hugging Tobi, throwing away his sythe and by extension his new staff, declaring his lifelong dream to be a wedding planner, and taking a trip to have tea with the Pope and engage in civil conversation without swearing.

Well, that didn't exactly happen. But he hugged Tobi, and the Akatsuki looked like that just happened.

"I wouldn't usually say this," said Itachi. "But. . . what the hell?!"

"My thoughts exactly," said Kakazu.

"Hidan, are you okay," asked an abashed Kisame.

"No," said Hidan wiping the tears out of his eyes. "Itachi, do you steal have that disgusting and totally useless Psycho People Card that I would totally never ever use?"

"Yeah," said Itachi passing it to him. "You need it way more than me."

"On any other day I would disagree with that statement," said Deidara.

". . . But today is not an ordinary day," finished Zetsu.

The Akatsuki sat in relative silence, except for Itachi loudly slurping on his empty lemonade glass, for a moment. Suddenly, a glass of lemonade slammed down on the table next to Itachi. The somewhat dazed Akatsuki jumped and looked over at Itachi staring with an irritated expression on his face.

Itachi, after all, had certainly _not_ jumped along with the rest of his psychotic comrades. He does not jump at loud noises or anything for that matter. Itachi instead eyed the said glass coldly before turning his head in a slow way that did not at all satify the pink haired waitress behind him. She had, of course, wanted to scare the living daylights out of him, and that smug smile on her face did not suggest she suceeded. Nope! Not at all!

"There's your lemonade," she smiled cruelly at him. "Would you refrain from slurping it up your straw and disturbing the rest of our customers, _please_?"

Itachi noted the slight inflection of her voice and decided he did not like that at all. "I wouldn't engage in something so common placed as drawing liquid up a cylindrilical tube so as to make an irritating and very stress relieving noise such as you're describing," he explained with narrowed eyes.

"Huh," replied the pink haired girl as she backed up with a somewhat confused expression on her face as she felt she had just been insulted.

Itachi let a smile cross his face as he noted that he had adequately and in a very adept manner confused the girl. He shut his eyes and sipped the new glass of lemonade in a thoroughly royal manner.

Almost immediately, the table on which his lemonade was setting exploded into splinters sending his lemonade spewing all over his prized 'Cereal Killer' t-shirt and new jeans. He looked in shock at the pink haired girl that was obviously way more than she seemed.

She smiled at his shock, "I don't really get the gist of what you said as it was probably too common placed to befit my ears anyway, but I didn't like your voice as it was too rough and highly unelegant," she said by way of explanation as she tugged a glove down.

Itachi blinked in response and felt the shock turn into fear, because for once, he had no idea what he was dealing with.


End file.
